Retelling the Story

In my last post I talked about triggers and I guess this is similar. I put off scheduling my MRI because honestly I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to feel medicalized again and I didn't want them to find something. Let's just say my oncology psychiatrist wasn't going to let me get away with that. As I sat in her office for my regular appointment she picked up the phone, called her oncologist, and scheduled me for an appointment. I was surprised and somewhat blindsided but I actually felt relieved. So I went for my appointment yesterday. I thought they would do the MRI but this was just a consultation and they'll schedule my MRI for sometime next week. It's hard going to a new clinic and doctor because you have to retell your story. It's been three and a half years since I was diagnosed with cancer and time really does help heal the emotional wounds. Retelling helps open them back up.

In a way I feel guilty because I had stage one cancer. No mets, no chemo, no radiation. I "just" had both breasts cut off and reconstruction done. And I think that's what other people think when they look at my situation, that it could have been so much worse. But at age 35 I lost my breasts and will spend the rest of my life without them. As my husband often says about difficult things, "That's not nothing." So I retold my story, about how I found a lump, had an ultrasound and mammogram, how they did the biopsy and discovered it was cancer, and how I decided on a bilateral mastectomy. Then there's the myriad of test results, the discussion of my reconstruction, and the physical exam. I don't care about the exams anymore. I don't consider what I have to be breasts so all modesty is gone from that standpoint. But it makes me feel like a "patient" again and that's always a little bothersome.

What I am thankful for regarding my appointment is that my doctor was so kind. She herself had breast cancer and there's nothing that replaces that degree of understanding. Also, her clinic is the only in town that has a breast MRI machine (Aurora Breast MRI System) that targets just the breasts so I'm thankful to have that option.

Lastly, some exciting news is that I was selected to attend a retreat for breast cancer survivors called Casting for Recovery. It's a 2.5 day retreat involving support groups and fly fishing instruction for breast cancer survivors. I've never been involved in a therapeutic support group so I'm somewhat nervous but looking forward to being around a group of women who get it and want to talk about it. I've also always wanted to learn how to fly fish so I'm pretty excited!