The In-Between

The in-between. That's what my doctor identified on my last visit to her office for my med check. It's when I usually feel like writing. My last visits to my psychiatrist and to my counselor have been uneventful, and that is fantastic news! There's always the standard questions about how I'm doing on my meds and how I'm feeling about different circumstances and situations. Having nothing to report is a good thing, exactly what we want. One thing they always ask about is if I'm writing, because writing is very therapeutic and often cathartic for me. If you've been following this blog you'll see that I haven't written since early April. So, why not? My psychiatrist helped me recognize that I write when I'm "in-between" -- in-between feeling really good and really bad. My writing is an effective coping mechanism, often times bursting out of me so I can continue with my day and other more functional thoughts and actions.

The reason I haven't written since April is because I haven't been in the in-between place. I've been in the really good place. I haven't needed to write in order to cope with the world around me. A lot of that has to do with me being very busy -- I always function better when I'm busy. That sounds like it's a good thing but the fact that I don't function well when I'm not busy is a problem. It's the down time that allows my brain to wander and dwell on painful and difficult things. And sometimes it's not even certain thoughts, it's just a feeling of angst or depression that's there for no reason at all other than it just is. My life can be perfect and still those feelings creep in. That's the nature of chemical versus clinical anxiety/depression.

I also don't write when I'm in the really bad place. In January and February of this year I was in a bad and scary place. I felt like hurting myself, unable to function outside of my bed, my room, my house. No one would have noticed this because I'm good at pretending. I only let the closest people to me in on it and even then I didn't necessarily tell the entire truth. My "truth" was often just, "I'm having a hard time." This is a far cry from imagining what it would be like to swallow all my pills and go to sleep. Now I can hardly fathom having those thoughts. When I finally admitted it, my psychiatrist threatened to hospitalize me unless I told my husband about those thoughts, and my counselor made me sign a suicide contract. That's miles away from where I am now. But in that dark space, I couldn't write because my thoughts scared me. It felt like if I put my feelings in writing then they'd be real and I'd somehow be more likely to act on them. So I was silent. Silence can be dangerous. I'm thankful that in my case it wasn't.

When I write I get lots of private comments from friends going through the same thing. They don't comment here on my blog, but usually send me texts or messages through Facebook. They're often living in the in-between -- that uncomfortable place where life is a struggle and they don't know why they feel the way they do. Sometimes they're in the bad place and I try to help them find resources to help. I'm so very thankful that they reach out because the alternative is dangerous. For those who have never experienced being a danger to themselves, such a situation seems confusing and impossible. I just want you to know that it's very real and very scary for those who are in it. And for those of you who are in it, please know that I and many others are right here waiting to listen and help.

This morning at yoga, our instructor mentioned that the four pillars of health are peace, hydration, nutrition, and movement, but the most important of those is peace. I absolutely believe that. Whether it's religion, mindfulness, yoga-type practices, or something else, nothing else comes naturally in life without peace. It's hard to maintain the other three pillars without feeling peaceful. This is always my chant when I'm (trying) to meditate -- PEACE. I pray for it every time I pray. I repeat it over and over when I'm feeling anxious. It's my greatest wish for those I love and for the world in general. So no matter what you're facing, ask for peace. Whoever you pray to, ask for peace. Strive to find it within yourself. You are powerful and wonderfully made. Sometimes we need medicine and/or counseling to find that peace and it's okay. Wherever you are today, friends, I wish you peace. May you find it in abundance.