It's a New Year and I'm Up for It!

As I type this, I'm trying to ignore the sound of jack hammers outside of our home office door. This is the beginning of our big kitchen renovation. They're removing floor tile today. It kind of sets my anxiety aflame, but I have to keep reminding myself of what we have control over and what we don't. We chose to upend our kitchen for 6-8 weeks, thanks to a massive water leak that is. We get to have a new shiny kitchen after this and that's something we're very thankful for. We're also thankful that the insurance is paying for most of it. Today my anxiety is okay. We'll see what song I'm singing in week three.

Speaking of my mental health, things are pretty good right now. I'm still on three anti-anxiety/depression meds and one thyroid med meant to help with my depression. When I think of where I was at this point last year, I'm so thankful for the things in my life that brought me out of my deep depression and suicidal state. My medication, my counselor, my psychiatrist, my wonderful husband and kids, my friends who check on me, and so much more. We can afford my mental health care and I'll never take that for granted. I'm thankful for my hard-working husband who provides for us and takes my mental health struggles seriously. I'm aware that this isn't the case for everyone and it breaks my heart for those who are hurting.

Last week I got a call from my psychiatrist asking if I could talk with another breast cancer survivor. She's five months out from the end of her treatment and is really struggling emotionally. She thought she should be further along in the healing process by now, as if she should be "over it." Let me say this and hear me loud and clear -- there is never any "getting over it." For cancer patients, we've been through trauma. We can move past it with time, counseling, and support, but it's forever a part of us. Specifically for breast cancer patients, the trauma is so visible. Many of us have to make the choice to save our own lives by having a mastectomy. Losing one's breasts is losing part of one's womanhood. Reconstruction isn't like getting breast augmentation. It's like getting taxidermy. My breast surgeon (shout out!) explained it that way before my surgery and it's so accurate. I don't consider what I have now to be breasts. My breasts are gone. Forever. What I have are numb, sometimes itchy, sometimes sore excuses for placeholders under my clothes. That's why I got them -- so that I could walk around and people wouldn't wonder why my chest was completely flat. I got them so I could emotionally heal better. April 8th, 2019 will be five years since my mastectomy and the beginning of my reconstruction. I don't know how I'll feel on that day. They give us a five-year survival rate, and while I'm not really worried about my cancer coming back, five years only got me to age 41. I still have five more years to go on my cancer med, a hormone-blocking medication that comes with its own side effects. I'm thankful for it though because it's keeping my cancer away as far as we know.

These are my thoughts today. I'm more sensitive now to others who have been through trauma and other scary things. It's not something to just "get over." Life is complicated, joyous, scary, and lots of things mixed up in one. We can't dictate someone else's journey. We can only dictate our own and adjust when it doesn't go as planned. I don't pretend to know how God works. I don't know if He for meant me or anyone else to get cancer. What I do know is that He's using my experience in the lives of others. As I sat and had coffee with my fellow cancer survivor, I thanked God for the way He was using my experience. And I thanked Him for the way He used others to help me as I was going through it.

I know many people have been through difficulties much greater than mine. If my cancer journey is the toughest thing we go through in our lives I will be truly grateful. I think of my friends with sick kids, those who have lost spouses, friends dealing with difficult marriages, or those who have lost children. I would choose my journey any day over theirs. That doesn't mean I haven't been through something though and it's nothing I have to feel guilty about. The same goes for you. So for those of you who are like me, those of you who have been through something and struggle with hurt, depression, anxiety, there is hope. Reach out -- get help. If you can't afford it, talk to your doctor and ask for recommendations. Many counselors work on a sliding scale. And what's more important -- eating out, that cool new toy, that outfit you like, or your mental health? Seek out counseling opportunities at your church. Our church pays for counseling. Maybe yours does as well. Maybe you just need someone to listen. In that case, I am here. I can be reached via this blog or Facebook, or if you're local I'm always up for coffee, lunch, drinks, whatever. Don't settle for misery. You don't deserve that. You deserve hope and joy -- reach out and grab it!

This is 40

It's a few hours until February 28 and that means I'm almost 40. I don't really know how to feel about it other than it's another year I get to intentionally live my life. Having cancer at 35 gives one a different perspective on the meaning of birthdays. Treatments are judged on a 5-year survival rate. I was diagnosed just before turning 36 so I have one more year before I hit that 5-year mark. Not that a 5-year survival rate is that appealing to someone so young, as opposed to someone in their 70s or 80s. I'd rather have a 40- or 50-year survival rate. Thanks. 

Anyway, back to my birthday. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair done. I need a new style so what better time than a landmark birthday? We're not doing anything fancy for dinner or a party. We chose instead to meet my twin sister and her husband at a beach in Florida last week and it was fantastic. Besides recovering from the flu, I spent two days reading an actual book with my feet in the sand. I took a nap without being disturbed. We tried to swim with manatees, though the water was too murky to see them. The guys spent hours on the balcony watching curling while my sister and I watched trash TV. We went to a piano bar and danced with the snowbirds who thought we were cute and young. We ate all kinds of fried seafood. We just spent time being us. It was wonderful even in the face of my depression and anxiety.

Though I continue to struggle I'm finding things that help, like saying "yes" even when I want to say "no." These days it's even difficult to say yes to friends who want to spend time together, though I know it will make me feel better and it's the best thing for our friendship. I didn't think I'd be dealing with this at 40. I thought confidence and wisdom and experience would win out over mental illness but chemical imbalances can't be fixed by experiences alone. So I take my meds and keep plugging along, even though every single day I'd rather stay in my bed. It's hard to be the wife and mother I want to be when depression is overwhelmingly controlling my mind. And it makes me feel guilty because I have nothing to be depressed about. My life is amazing and I try to remind myself of that. So for my 40th year I wish for health -- health of mind, body, and spirit. I wish to be the person I want to be and know I can be. I wish to dwell on others more than I dwell on myself. And I wish to be rid of these negative thoughts and feelings that so heavily weigh me down. So I hope this is 40. A year of joy, happiness, participation, and love. I know I can get there. It's an uphill battle but I'm determined. 

Practical Matters: Mastectomy Prep & Useful Gear

Something that I never thought about before I had cancer was the preparation that goes into surgery and/or chemo. I didn't have chemo so I can't personally speak to that, but I did have quite a bit of time (two months) to prepare for my bilateral mastectomy. I scoured websites for advice on helpful tips and gear and here's what I came up with. Obviously, every person is different with varying timelines, access, and means, so take this list for what it is -- what was helpful to me and may be helpful to you or someone you love.

Must Haves

• Front closure sports bras (zipper or hook & eye -- I found mine at Walmart but have seen ones at Academy, too)
• Ice packs (the little round ones for kids work great!) -- Only use these if your doc okays it. Some don't want patients to use them because you won't be able to tell if your skin is getting too cold. I didn't have issues with that and found them to be immensely helpful in relieving muscle pain.
• Loose fitting button up shirts
• Loose fitting button up pajamas and/or oversized tank tops that you can pull up from your feet
• Lanyard with clip (to wear in the shower and hang your drains on). I ordered and used a product called the Prody Drainage Bulb Holder (http://www.amazon.com/indivdually-Individually-0814-8220-Bird-Cronin/dp/B00IK4PD9Q) and it was by far one of my most useful post-surgical items.
• Face wipes -- it's difficult to do anything, let alone lean over a sink to wash your face in those first days after surgery.
• Baby wipes -- for everything else when showering is too hard
• Alcohol swabs (to clean drain port after emptying)

Might Make Things Easier

• 4x4 cotton gauze pads (the drain sites hurt so I covered mine with gauze and that helped keep the pressure from the bra off of them)
• Surgical tape (Nexcare makes a cushioned tape that is awesome)
• Neosporin (in case your drain sites need it)
• Dermaplast spray (this makes any hurting incision feel better and disinfects)

I slept in a recliner for the first two weeks. It had an easy to access and use electric button. There's no way that i would have been able to reach or have the strength to manage a traditional/manual recliner lever. If a recliner is not an option you'll need lots of pillows to prop you up since laying flat will put a lot of pressure on the drain sites. You won't be able to sleep on your stomach or side for a while.

I used a waterproof pad under my sheets in case the drains leaked. The only time this happened was in the hospital but it made me feel better about not messing up a mattress/recliner.

Do you have any advice for surgery prep or recovery gear? I'll add more as I think of it but please feel free to leave comments so I can add your info as well. And please ask questions if you have them!