Aztec 3

Friday, August 4, 2017

Living with Anxiety



Lyrics:
Anxiety
How do you always get the best of me?
I'm out here living in a fantasy
I can't enjoy a goddamn thing
Anxiety
Why am I never where I am supposed to be?
Even with my lover sleeping close to me
I'm wide awake and I'm in pain

Watching the sunrise slash through the blinds
Dust in the room hovers over mine
Lying here in silence
Wife and child still sleeping deep enough to dream
And oh, I'm a lucky man today
But so afraid that time will take it all from me

Anxiety
How do you always get the best of me?
I'm out here living in a fantasy
I can't enjoy a goddamn thing
Anxiety
Why am I never where I am supposed to be?
Even with my lover sleeping close to me
I'm wide awake and I'm in pain

It's the weight of the world
But it's nothing at all
Light as a prayer, and then I feel myself fall
You got to give me a minute
Because I'm way down in it
And I can't breathe so I can't speak
I want to be strong and steady, always ready
Now, I feel so small, I feel so weak

Anxiety
How do you always get the best of me?
I'm out here living in a fantasy
I can't enjoy a goddamn thing
Anxiety
Why am I never where I am supposed to be?
Even with my lover sleeping close to me
I'm wide awake and I'm in a pain

A crowded room is a burning battlefield
If I don't move, I'll come undone
My heart beats harder, a hammer striking steel
Will I walk now or be a "Wait and Run"?

Anxiety
How do you always get the best of me?
I'm out here living in a fantasy
I can't enjoy a goddamn thing
Anxiety
Why am I never where I am supposed to be?
Even with my lover sleeping close to me
I'm wide awake and I'm in pain
I'm wide awake and I'm in pain
I'm wide awake and I'm in pain



When I first heard this song I was floored. I'd never heard anxiety so perfectly described. The line about "out here living in a fantasy" really resonates with me. My anxiety is never more apparent than when my life is going really well. Doesn't make sense, does it? For those of us with clinical anxiety (a chemical imbalance in the brain) versus situational anxiety (massive stressors in life), even when life is perfect we still struggle. Like the song above describes, we lie awake and feel pain for no reason. Our brain tells us lies and works in overdrive 24/7. We see a car swerve in front of us and immediately start planning our own funeral for after the inevitable wreck that's about to happen. And these thoughts happen all day every day. It's a miserable way to live. Other times it's like a gray smog. The harsh, extreme thoughts may not be there but there's a dullness in our brain, like a cloud hanging over every minute. We do the things we love, surrounded by those we love, and yet it doesn't bring joy. It just passes time. Currently I'm somewhere in between the extreme thoughts stage and the grayness. My brain has adjusted to the euphoria of my new meds, the ease and excitement they provided in my life. And now it's time to visit the reality of what's working, what's not, and what needs to be adjusted. It's hard. It's really hard. I just got back from an epic girls trip with SJ and though I look at the activities and time we spent together and logically know that it was an awesome trip, I kind of feel like that "meh" emoji from the popular new movie (which we watched and liked). I expected euphoric highs over fun adventures but all I got was gray. It's so very frustrating. I have hope that things will be better, possibly even soon. Maybe even today or tomorrow. Because that's what anxiety also is. Good days and bad. And it's usually unpredictable. At least this is my experience. So why share all of this here? Because so many people struggle with it and we don't talk enough about it -- in adults and even more so in children. And they experience the same thing. Did you know that? I know because I've experienced it all my life and now my son is in the same boat. I hate that for him but at least I know what it is and he's been getting the help he needs for a while now. So let's be there for each other. Let's admit that we struggle too. And if you read this and have no idea what I'm talking about that's awesome. I'm sure there are other struggles you have. And we can talk about those as well. I suppose I'm tired of the silence. There's a difference between privacy and hiding. Let's make a promise not to hide.