It's true -- I'm still here. It's been a while since my last post and there are several reasons for that. I started a new teaching job. It's just MWF for one hour each day. BUT I reserve the right to be excited about it because it's given me an intellectual outlet, and it has gotten me back to my roots of teaching about culture in our society. It's at a private Christian high school, and the class is on culture and Christianity. I adore my students when I didn't know if I would. I've only ever taught college students so this is a bit different, but they're mature beyond their age (so far). It's been a blessing having something to study, prepare, and teach each day. It was something that was majorly lacking in my life. I think it definitely contributed to my depression and anxiety.
Speaking of those two demons, they continue to plague me even in the face of joy. I struggle each day to fulfill my obligations, even when those obligations are enjoyable events like lunch with friends, pool parties, teaching class, or even attending church. I'm not exaggerating when I say that every single thing can be a struggle. Grocery shopping, taking the kids to school and picking them up, feeding the kids, even feeding myself sometimes. Most of the time I want to retreat to my dark, quiet, cool room and hide under the covers as if depression and anxiety can't find me there. I've blown off yoga and Pilates (my sanity-savers) several times for my cave space but that just makes it worse. Lying there alone in the dark sends my brain into overdrive when I used to be able to relax or nap. Now it's a space for worry to the point of torture.
I'm still seeing my counselor every week and I thank God for her. I know that it's her job to see me but having a non-partial person to talk to is my saving grace. She is precious to me in so many ways. I'm also still seeing my psychiatrist and trying a new med yet again. This time it's T3, a thyroid medication that's seen some success in treating med-resistant depression. It's hard to look at my chart and see those words "Major Depressive Disorder" and not feel broken somehow. But I'm thankful that I live in an area and have the means to see doctors who are knowledgeable, caring, and resourceful. So far I'm not sure how well this new med is working since I'm still struggling a lot, but we're going to give it a little more time to see how it goes. I'm limited on what medication I can take because many interact with my cancer medication which I'm on for another 5.5 years.
When I write I try to ask myself what's my take-away from life right now. Or, as Jen Hatmaker always asks her podcast guests, "What's saving your life right now?" Well, I have several.
1. My husband. He's my number one cheerleader and motivates me when I just can't do life.
2. My daughter. She's a mini version of my husband and when he's not around she fills in the gaps.
3. My son. He's twelve years old and going through a lot right now, as twelve-year-olds do. Much of my attention is geared towards him these days, and while much of it has been negative because of his choices and consequences, it's kept me grounded to realize why I'm here and what my most important job is right now.
4. My friends. I don't get to socialize much outside of the house with them but we keep in touch through texting and Marco Polo. It never fails that when I'm having a really hard time a close friend will check in and lift me up in prayer or by throwing good thoughts and hopes my way. I need to be better at doing the same for them.
5. Lastly, and perhaps the most important one, is cold brew coffee. Just kidding, kind of. I started drinking it last year as now have to have it every single morning. For you regular coffee addicts, this isn't a big deal. But I didn't drink coffee hardly at all before I began my relationship with cold brew. Now I have to have it. It's saving my life right now and I'm not scared to drink it year-round.
So there you have my life right now. I wish I could say it's all positive but it's just not and I'm not the type to pretend it is. However, one big positive in relation to this breast cancer blog is that I saw my oncologist last month and I don't have to see her again for a year! That's a big deal! It means I'm healthy and there's no sign of anything to worry about. I'll have my routine breast MRI in November and I expect that to show nothing as well.
One last thing. If you're the praying type, or even if you're not, please say a prayer for my survivor friend Joan. She's precious, fierce, and a valiant fighter. She's in the fight of her life right now as her cancer has returned and is spread throughout her body. The world needs Joan in it! Please pray for healing, comfort, and protection over her, her mother, and her best canine buddy and partner-in-crime, Buster.
