I haven't posted since November?! That's pathetic. I'm asking for "holiday craziness" grace on that one. If you've ever blogged, you know that feeling when you're semi-constantly composing blog posts in your head but never make it to actually posting them. Or maybe you're much more stable and committed than I am and you do post them. Either way, what I'm saying is that I've had several posts floating in my head for two months now (and five un-posted drafts already half written) and I'll attempt to get them out of my jumbled mess of a noggin in the next few weeks.
When I started this blog it was out of shear necessity. I've been a writer for as long as I can remember. No, I've never published anything on paper, but I've always needed to write. When I was diagnosed with cancer, there were days when I had to lock myself in our bedroom and get the thoughts out of my head before I could continue my day. It helped keep me sane. That's why I began this blog. Over the following few months it helped me try to explain to others the practicalities and realities of what I was going through. It was a way to communicate what I wasn't ready to speak out loud.
Now I'm just a few weeks away from what the cancer circles call my "cancerversary." Dumb word? Yes. But it marks the day when I got that call that changed our lives. February 7th, 2014. I look back at the last year and I can hardly believe what has transpired. And I'm shocked that I'm starting to get over it. Back in April, after my bilateral mastectomy, I couldn't imagine a future where I wouldn't hate my body, a day when I wouldn't agonize over what was done and what was taken from me. But, in this new year, I'm beginning to think about it a little less. The discomfort and awkwardness nearly fades away as I'm running errands, conducting daily life, covered in normal clothing and knowing that nobody knows what I've been through or what I look like unless I decide to tell them. That's all oddly comforting.I'd be lying if I said that I don't still get angry or sad sometimes, especially when I hear that another woman has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I get angry on her behalf and I allow myself to feel that kind of empathy for what she's facing. I'm still trying to figure out what this role of "Survivor" means to me. Some days I feel fine wearing something with a pink ribbon and joining in on "survivor stuff" and other days I want to run as far as I can and just attempt to move on. I'm sure things will become clearer as time goes on, but for now I feel like I'm in an emotionally solid place (thank you, Celexa). I'm sure I'll write about it if things change.
A little housekeeping business:
As I continue with this "breast cancer" blog, my posts will likely evolve from talking about myself to giving practical advice to other breast cancer patients and their friends and family who are looking for ways to cope and help. I've already been asked by many people about which organizations to donate to, what to put in care packages, how to prepare for a mastectomy, etc. I'll work on addressing some of those issues in the coming months. I will also share links to other blogs, articles, health info, etc. that I think are helpful. If you came to this page because you have been touched by breast cancer and you'd like me to address a certain topic, please leave a comment and I'd be happy to look into it. Also, many people prefer to leave comments on my Facebook page instead of on my posts, but I'd love for other struggling women and families to be encouraged by your comments (as I am) so please consider leaving comments directly on the posts. Thank you!
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