My counselor and psychiatrist tell me to write. They're not wrong. It's therapeutic for me. It allows me to empty my head and continue on with my day. But to tell you the truth, I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. Summer is both awesome and difficult at our house. We have one kid who suffers from anxiety as I do and does better under a strict schedule but needs lots of down time; and we have one kid who's like her daddy and is up for a party pretty much anytime one is advertised. That makes for a difficult household during the summer. Well, why don't you just make a really detailed schedule for yourself and your kids so everyone is happy? Good question. It's because we all function well under our own individual schedules. During the school year it's great because we're all scheduled in each of our own activities. This make us happy. I'm not dragging the 12 y/o to the science museum for the sake of the 8 y/o and the 8 y/o to the game store for the sake of the 12 y/o. Well, why don't you just find activities that they both like? Right. A 7th grade boy and a 3rd grade girl -- they won't even agree to go to the pool on the same days. It's like they've conspired against me to make things difficult. They're great kids, but even great kids are hard sometimes. In fact, parenting is just hard.
I've been struggling this summer. What I want to do is sleep late, skip yoga and Pilates, drink my cold brew while being left alone, maybe do some work on curriculum, then get back in bed and read myself into a nap. Because naps are both basically awesome in nature and also help pass the day away. That sounds kind of depressing, doesn't it? The idea that I want to nap so the day passes more quickly? That's not what we want in my life. By "we" I mean the people who want me to stay mentally healthy -- my medical/mental folks, my husband, my kids, my family and friends. Sleeping at odd times is the enemy of people who suffer from depression. It helps us avoid real life and what we're really struggling with. I hate that because I LOVE naps. In my bed with a book is my happy place. Sometimes there's nothing wrong with that but other times, when I'm escaping a to-do list, or my kids, or life in general, falling asleep with a good book is a big fat way of telling life to get lost. And that takes us into dangerous territory. I don't want life to get lost. I don't want myself to get lost.
I have things to do. I'm starting a very part-time teaching job in the fall for which I am preparing. I have my kids' schedules to run and make sure they're not on a screen 24/7. I have a wonderful husband who needs and deserves my attention and admiration. I have real life friends and family who deserve more than just texts and Facebook messages.
And then I remember that so many others are dealing with MUCH more difficult lives than I am. They have real problems like poor health, job loss, marriage troubles, sick kids, and on and on. So I feel guilty about being depressed and anxious, which makes me more...you guessed it -- depressed and anxious. So what I want to do right now is sleep. I want to get my Kindle and crawl into my awesomely comfortable bed, in my dark and cool room, and fall asleep while reading a silly Christian romance book (my current and random genre of choice). I won't right now though. I'll stay on the couch writing and working on lectures while my daughter is curled up next to me reading her own book. She's not watching those silly YouTube videos they love to watch and I'm not in my room ignoring her. I'm calling this one a win. When it's four o'clock and they're allowed to get back on screens, I may reward myself with a nap. I see my counselor tomorrow so we'll see what she says about that.
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